In New York, fifty percent of our plans fell through. One half of the fifty was shooting the wedding (the main reason for me heading out east) and the other half just happened more organically. The older I'm getting, the less attachment I have to plans, and by plans, I typically mean where I am going to eat. The key word here: "less." It allowed plenty of rest at home and I didn't mind it.
While the day took its course, I gave myself ample time in the evening to wrestle and reflect on a counseling session I had right before my flight. There's a quote in one of my favorite books by Paul Kalanithi that says "Because I would have to learn to live in a different way, seeing death as an imposing itinerant visitor but knowing that even if I’m dying, until I actually die, I am still living.” Though Dr. Kalanithi saw death more vividly through the lens of his illness, death is still inevitably certain. It imposes its presence upon us daily in the form of fear, uncertainty, pain, and loss and we couldn't dodge its bullets even if we wanted to. This idea was like a light which unveiled the undercurrents of self-preservation that I've unknowingly constructed much of my life adult life on. To live under the cloak of denial and/or control would be a pointless endeavor, for a life free of fear and pain does not exist. And so I am realizing.
And thus, creating new "ways" of living has sprouted its challenges. Yet the challenges are girded with hope. Though I am a proud optimist, there is only one avenue that allows me to reconcile these novel realities to my hardwiring. Life seems to be wedged even more firmly in the context of the future 'hope of glory.' And so compassion washes over me like a river and extends to the deep wells of fear so that I may live differently. And then comes peace in the midst of the reordering and forging, problems and uncertainties, joys and travels, and everything in between. More on all this in-person.
Thank you New York for being that getaway safe haven, a home away from home (thanks to my sister) where I could digest truths, rest, and fill my stomach. A quiet place in the concrete jungle.
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