HELLO, LOS ANGELES

It still boggles my mind that in October of last year I started to pack my life away into 6 boxes to be shipped over seas.

Fast forward to April — one of my best friends and I took on the feat to drive through the beautiful US. It was a four day journey through the unexpected. I've never seen mountains like I did in Denver Colorado where sun and snow resided in harmonious perfection, nor did I expect Vegas to be as flat and depthless as it was. In rain and sunshine, we were faithful. We drove, we laughed, we cried (when the rain stopped us from mt. Zion) and all the joys of car karaokes are moments that graced me here. Thank you Tina Suh for being my ride or die — love you!

Since then, Los Angeles has been nothing short of a whirlwind. From the moment I got here, I started off running — juggling both a strenuous full-time job and a work study program at a studio totaling up to 50 hours of working and dancing a week. One can't possibly sustain that lifestyle, I know. So I've made some adjustments for July which embrace more feeling, healing, and on the practical side, lots and lots of unpacking. With resettling at the front seat, I've been learning how to take things at a healthy pace.

It's been an incredible ride so far — of love, of hope, of pain and heartache, and numerous sweet moments in between. While spontaneity makes me feel uncomfortable,  I've been seasoning my free time with lots and lots of it because I am slowly realizing that openness is what will take me to all the places I want to go. And with that, I have been focusing on getting uncomfortably comfortable with myself as I learn to express all that's in my heart. Thankfully dance + storytelling via pictures are an outlet for me. And "self expression" has become a restorative, important process not just in dance, but in facets of my life.

Sometimes I look at myself and think I'm crazy. And other times I feel more inspired to push myself to where the divinity of God's hand meets my frail frame. The pendulum keeps swinging, of course, but the process is truly satisfying. There is an artist inside of me and I'm committed to draw her out. If I don't know what I'm doing, at least I know that 90% of it is showing up. 

So I'm here.

INSTALIFE

JANUARY 2017

1. #OWN2017       2. Chitown babes

3. Seoul buddy       4. Lovers at the Getty Villa

5. Rogers Park, Chicago       6. Restoration Hardware

7. Fam @ Low Res Studios       8. Peter Rabbit

9. Goals       10. Doughnut Vault for life

11. Home Sweet Home       12. Signature Lounge Views

While January is zeal on steroids for many, it has been a season of unwinding for me. Deep moments of reflection, reconnection, and full-circle moments here in Chicago. It's as if a lot of the holes are getting filled more concretely. For one, I hadn't recognized how desperately I needed to hear my dad say, "I support you," until one casual afternoon when he sat me down and dropped some powerful, fatherly lines. Five years of tug-of-war and you can only imagine the multi-faceted emotions, colors upon colors swirling through my mind. Alas — a full-circle moment, a 2012 promise fulfilled.

One of the biggest blessings during my time in Korea was the revelation of "process" and "delight." As a dreamer and a tireless idealist, striving for unattainable 'ideas' of perfection left me always discontent. Freedom came when I began to cultivate delight in the process — both in the beauty and the mess. Along the way, I've experienced some incredible memories, met some life long friends, and seen some amazing, amazing sights (mostly in the everyday joys of life). And now the urgency to delight comes yet once again, here.

I've been coming face-to-face with different mentalities, beliefs, lifestyles, and ideas about faith. Revisiting old wounds. Juggling reverse culture shock. Long distance. Budgeting. Preparing.  Healthcare? Car insurance? ...All while standing in an in-between space of rest and dominion. Yet today, I remember to thrive. Thriving is a mindset, not a circumstantial reality. To live by any other standard is certainly an illusion and an empty obsession. It looks like I'll be in Chicago for February,  totally unplanned, totally unexpected. But as imperfect and unideal as it gets — lets delight. 

REST STOP

Chicago is a pragmatic, beautiful city, and in my opinion (blatantly) fashionless. But fashionless only because of the wind chill, and snow. Home is familiar and a stranger, a mix-match of both comfort and isolation. And, I'd be lying if I said that the risk-free nature of the Midwestern mentality isn't getting under my skin. It bothers me. Still yet, home is home, and roots are roots, and I'm certainly relieved to have this time. 

Thoughts lately: I find the world to be much larger than the trend conglomeration that is Seoul. In Seoul, everything is accessible, everyone is "connected" by media, and the mirrors of public perception scream loudly. Who are you? What do you stand for? What is your fight? It is easy to get lost in that image game unless you jab counter-culturally and move intentionally. I think stepping out has given me space to slow down, to breathe, to recalibrate. Values — what are they? Belief — how will they drive me? People — who has God called me to? These are vital questions that I am plowing through before I make the jump. Necessities. I'm glad to be putting things in order so that when furnace gets hot, I'll stay put.

So with donuts and coffee at hand — cheers to reevaluations and recommitments.

DEPARTURE THERAPY

In exactly 2 weeks, I will be closing a chapter of my life in Seoul. Perhaps the most difficult part of getting ready to say goodbye has been mentally preparing to part ways with my apartment villa where I have resided just a little over 4 years. The most memorable moments are — The Costco runs which inevitably evolved to "watermelon bonding time" in our living room, the casual roommate wind-downs with Gina and Joanne (some moments I will never forget)...and of course, the crying, the prayers, and yes, even the fights with friends who have made this journey ridiculously satisfying.

I don't know how to spend these last two weeks without any reoccurring regrets once I leave, but I am determined to mark my final moments with upmost intentionality. Among other important life questions, I am asking myself how I can most meaningfully part ways with a city that has been monumental to my 20's, and with people who have in one way or another changed my life. It will be rough. And while there is no doubt in my mind that planning helps ease internal tensions, I reckon that the best moments come — I hate to admit it — unplanned. Two weeks! I plan to blog through the days to come, but other than that I have no idea how it'll all pan out. Regardless, come at me! (I think) I'm ready.