OCTOBER THERAPY

Chicago, Illinois

Home. I needed home. I was emotionally maxing out, craving fall, and childishly longing for a blanket of security - one that I felt only Chicago could give me at this time. Unfortunate, but grandpa's memorial service and grandma's health scare gave me enough reason to be here.

Some noteworthy happenings in the last two days:

Had a high school sleepover with Nams and Miriam. We talked about how scary and exciting alike the idea of family, relationships, and love is. We drank tea, fought over who would sleep on the couch, and instantly fell asleep because after all, we are not 18 anymore. I love exactly where we are at.

We sat around the table for "Fancy Breakfast" the following morning. I was extremely, intensely happy. I still don't know what it was about aesthetics, colors, and the set up of the food amongst a company of friends (most important) in a charming high-rise space that injected boosts and boosts of joy, but I am thinking that it's the artistry of cultivation that makes me a total addict for this kind of stuff...whatever "this" is.

I exchanged ideas and dreams with Hayoung, who I'm so proud of. That same afternoon, I took a walk with Tina Lee and amongst many things, I realized that I still believe in prophetic words — even though I found myself skeptical mid-conversation. We empathized at how inordinately difficult this past year has been for the both of us, and then shared what we look forward to in 2018. 

Dug through 2-3 boxes of film photos that I took between elementary school to high school. This did two things for me: One, it reminded me that I am deeply, deeply loved. Two, it revealed who I am. And on tangent (but not really) I've always had a deep love for photo taking.

Cuddled with my mom, and invited her into my life. Visited grandma who has been doing much better, but I see the loneliness in her eyes every time I pick up my things to leave the hospital. I don't know how I'm going to fly back to Los Angeles come Sunday. Can I not? 

Dad approaches me and tells me to start cultivating my leadership skills. He asks what I think about becoming a woman preacher. Little does he know I already have sermons via #mkv.

All in all, I am drinking up the October air. I've been feeling high highs, but also deep blues. Today is one of those days where I don't know where to garner strength. But the nostalgic vibes here gives me a greater sense of integrity and wholeness in contrast to sunny LA. The rustic interior of this current space, this coffee, and the alone time I've carved out for myself is... perfect. 

SEOUL

Photo diary August 14 - Sept 2

It was only a few years ago that my parents threw down a fiasco with my decision to live in Seoul. And this fact, along with other muddy complications stripped me down to the bare bones of vulnerability. Korea consisted of enlightening conversations, connection, and compounded full-circle moments as I walked the streets of eedae (이대) hand-in-hand with my mom. It was that much more heartwarming that I could peruse old grounds with her.

Fully aware that life is only perfect in moments of time, I enjoyed them all. Pain, joy, apologies, forgiveness where I felt like I was wronged, choosing love and disallowing hate — these were all valuables I plundered. I remember entering a room where I thought I would fume with anger upon locking eyes with somebody, yet within moments, a supernatural release, and my heart melted with compassion towards them. At the end of it all, I conclude that Love is a powerful thing. 

And if healing and love was at the forefront of it all, I messed up 100 times in my own vices. Fear is the crisp representation of pain that has not been properly addressed. Fear multiplies pain over and over again until halted with a remedy. And there are always remedies. I learned that if people hurt you, people also heal you. That is, if people have it in them to incite pain (we all do), then the opposite must be true and it is people who are agents of healing. Since Korea, I've taken some hard looks inside and I found myself returning to the only reservoir that has consistently embraced me with all my mess, a reservoir that has allowed me to trust people, to love people, and to try again — a reservoir of grace. I am drinking from that fountain incessantly these days, and it is by grace that I can come around to look upon myself and others more compassionately. 

All that aside, my time there was one for the books. I loved eating spontaneous meals with my mom, my childhood friend and her mom. Getting beauty treatments, and glasses, and everything else one must checklist in Korea. Reconnecting. Watching the movie "Taxi Driver." Sleeping in mosquito nets. Looking at people in the eye and expressing my love and gratitude to them directly. Blasting 90's and 00's tunes in the car and belting out Keyshia Cole and Mariah Carey. Leather sandals fully soaked by the rain, umbrellas near flipping, side-by-side with my loved ones...I definitely expected to be miserable in sweltering heat, only to realise that fall was just around the corner. It was a beautiful surprise. After all, it is chaos and left-field turn of events that often make trips so rare and meaningful. Korea is never what I expect it to be, but there's always a divine weightiness to which I can look back some time later and see the significance of it all. I can't wait to go back some day, and someday soon I hope.

HELLO, LOS ANGELES

It still boggles my mind that in October of last year I started to pack my life away into 6 boxes to be shipped over seas.

Fast forward to April — one of my best friends and I took on the feat to drive through the beautiful US. It was a four day journey through the unexpected. I've never seen mountains like I did in Denver Colorado where sun and snow resided in harmonious perfection, nor did I expect Vegas to be as flat and depthless as it was. In rain and sunshine, we were faithful. We drove, we laughed, we cried (when the rain stopped us from mt. Zion) and all the joys of car karaokes are moments that graced me here. Thank you Tina Suh for being my ride or die — love you!

Since then, Los Angeles has been nothing short of a whirlwind. From the moment I got here, I started off running — juggling both a strenuous full-time job and a work study program at a studio totaling up to 50 hours of working and dancing a week. One can't possibly sustain that lifestyle, I know. So I've made some adjustments for July which embrace more feeling, healing, and on the practical side, lots and lots of unpacking. With resettling at the front seat, I've been learning how to take things at a healthy pace.

It's been an incredible ride so far — of love, of hope, of pain and heartache, and numerous sweet moments in between. While spontaneity makes me feel uncomfortable,  I've been seasoning my free time with lots and lots of it because I am slowly realizing that openness is what will take me to all the places I want to go. And with that, I have been focusing on getting uncomfortably comfortable with myself as I learn to express all that's in my heart. Thankfully dance + storytelling via pictures are an outlet for me. And "self expression" has become a restorative, important process not just in dance, but in facets of my life.

Sometimes I look at myself and think I'm crazy. And other times I feel more inspired to push myself to where the divinity of God's hand meets my frail frame. The pendulum keeps swinging, of course, but the process is truly satisfying. There is an artist inside of me and I'm committed to draw her out. If I don't know what I'm doing, at least I know that 90% of it is showing up. 

So I'm here.

INSTALIFE

JANUARY 2017

1. #OWN2017       2. Chitown babes

3. Seoul buddy       4. Lovers at the Getty Villa

5. Rogers Park, Chicago       6. Restoration Hardware

7. Fam @ Low Res Studios       8. Peter Rabbit

9. Goals       10. Doughnut Vault for life

11. Home Sweet Home       12. Signature Lounge Views

While January is zeal on steroids for many, it has been a season of unwinding for me. Deep moments of reflection, reconnection, and full-circle moments here in Chicago. It's as if a lot of the holes are getting filled more concretely. For one, I hadn't recognized how desperately I needed to hear my dad say, "I support you," until one casual afternoon when he sat me down and dropped some powerful, fatherly lines. Five years of tug-of-war and you can only imagine the multi-faceted emotions, colors upon colors swirling through my mind. Alas — a full-circle moment, a 2012 promise fulfilled.

One of the biggest blessings during my time in Korea was the revelation of "process" and "delight." As a dreamer and a tireless idealist, striving for unattainable 'ideas' of perfection left me always discontent. Freedom came when I began to cultivate delight in the process — both in the beauty and the mess. Along the way, I've experienced some incredible memories, met some life long friends, and seen some amazing, amazing sights (mostly in the everyday joys of life). And now the urgency to delight comes yet once again, here.

I've been coming face-to-face with different mentalities, beliefs, lifestyles, and ideas about faith. Revisiting old wounds. Juggling reverse culture shock. Long distance. Budgeting. Preparing.  Healthcare? Car insurance? ...All while standing in an in-between space of rest and dominion. Yet today, I remember to thrive. Thriving is a mindset, not a circumstantial reality. To live by any other standard is certainly an illusion and an empty obsession. It looks like I'll be in Chicago for February,  totally unplanned, totally unexpected. But as imperfect and unideal as it gets — lets delight. 

REST STOP

Chicago is a pragmatic, beautiful city, and in my opinion (blatantly) fashionless. But fashionless only because of the wind chill, and snow. Home is familiar and a stranger, a mix-match of both comfort and isolation. And, I'd be lying if I said that the risk-free nature of the Midwestern mentality isn't getting under my skin. It bothers me. Still yet, home is home, and roots are roots, and I'm certainly relieved to have this time. 

Thoughts lately: I find the world to be much larger than the trend conglomeration that is Seoul. In Seoul, everything is accessible, everyone is "connected" by media, and the mirrors of public perception scream loudly. Who are you? What do you stand for? What is your fight? It is easy to get lost in that image game unless you jab counter-culturally and move intentionally. I think stepping out has given me space to slow down, to breathe, to recalibrate. Values — what are they? Belief — how will they drive me? People — who has God called me to? These are vital questions that I am plowing through before I make the jump. Necessities. I'm glad to be putting things in order so that when furnace gets hot, I'll stay put.

So with donuts and coffee at hand — cheers to reevaluations and recommitments.